New.

Everything that we've ever done, is all a result of our own actions. Sometimes I come to think that I subconsciously act on things without even recognizing it and when it manifests I become surprised. What if that is the same for the destruction everything to make room for building a new life?  As much as I try to make a smooth transition into the next part of my life, it's almost as if certain aspects are simply not allowed to cross over, and doing this, will feel very unnatural. I'm beginning to feel a mix between everything I have ever worked for is being destroyed, by me, subconsciously.  I don't know how I feel about this. It's neutral. I would like to see so many different improvements in my life, on so many levels. I guess if this is the way it needs to happen, then so be it.  However, I will simply not give in without trying, first.  I am getting tired. I cannot simply go on like this for much longer. I feel like everyday, life is draining from me as redundancy consumes my daily life, and until the transition has completed, I will not feel complete. I feel a sense of calm, in a time that should terrify me. I know everything works out, for the better, improving each time,  a lesson to be learned.  I have seen this all before. Only this time, I know how to handle it. This time, is a step toward the right direction.  A step I have been wanting to take for years now, and additionally, toward someone I trust. I am not one to confide in another person. However, I have found myself doing this for once in my life for the past year and a half. I usually find myself alone, in every decision I make.

I feel like a different person. I have never felt so strongly that I just needed to get rid of absolutely everything, and move on. It is not only a disconnection from my past, but feeling indifferent to it. I'm not emotionless by any means, just wiser from observing, and learning.


Music: Hanging Garden - Wormwood