Love

After being in various relationships over the years... I am actually beginning to stop and think to myself... What is love really? The more I think about it. I don't feel like I have ever REALLY been IN love. Maybe in lust, infatuation...  I've loved the idea of being in love so much, that I have gotten myself into all sorts of catastrophes and the only person I can blame is myself.  Up until a few weeks ago, I never really questioned myself this deeply on the subject. I think it is this way because up until weeks ago, I felt, numb. It's like I was on autopilot trying to be the best girlfriend ever and not really thinking about the things I wanted or needed nor had a partner that followed suit to their word. It dawned on me - all this time I had not really been taking care of myself. I had let myself become a doormat. I had let myself push away my aspirations for a relationship. Someone that really loves you, would encourage you to be your best and not hold you back. They would hold a flame to your ass and tell you to ''get to work!''... My point is - someone can feed you all the words in the world to get you to fall for them, but if action does not stand behind their words - it's brittle, spineless, and simply will not last! I tend to get swept away in the moment in the beginning and that is when people feed you the most bullshit... Simply to get you to stay with them. They probably don't realize its harmful at the time, but it will only cause resentment in the future. I try not to keep score with what people tell me, but I cannot help this! I choose my words wisely and say what I mean, so I feel I expect the same with others, and boooyy oh boy, is that a let down. Now, don't get me wrong, I have had fun in my relationships, each one of them has been very different, and enlightening. I have learned traits I do, and I don't like about people, and have daydreamed on what I would like to see in a future entanglement.

First and foremost, simply caring for another human being is the start of many great things. I don't mean on a superficial level alone.. Sure, its great to think your significant other is attractive, but wanting to dig into their psyche and know about who is behind that pretty face is really what it's all about. Generally wanting to nurture a person is a trait of this as well. Of course, the need to nurture can also fall under the realm of attachment. Romantic attachments would have to be one of the most rewarding feelings. It's a magnetic chemistry that brings people together again, and again, simply for the sake of enjoying each others company. If it is love, this magnetism never dies. You can sit in the same room and not say a word, and still be content with each others company. This type of comfort level is not only found in love relationships, but friendships, too. This is the type of attachment that reflects that you have seen everything good, bad and in between, of the other person and still love them for who they are, and still want to be in their presence. This brings me to commitment... I feel that true love is being loyal to your partner's face, and behind their back. If someone questions your partner and you only speak positively about them, and feel you have nothing bad to say about them, you're on the right path. The most important part is that you're honest with yourself. If you feel negative about your partner and are actually living in denial about some awful trait they have, its probably time to confront it, or run for the hills before it drives you up the wall! Additionally, commitment is being at their side at all times, when needed. Whether it may just be simply to listen, be emotionally supportive, or have them support you in your goals... If you feel good about your partner, and they feel good about you, this will come naturally and not be something that feels forced.
Going back to attraction... This is obviously a very important trait. This is what allows physical intimacy, something in which is key to any romantic relationship. Without this, a relationship tends to wither away and become less emotionally attached. Of course, if sex is all the relationship is about - it most likely only falls under the category of lust rather than love. If you're not having conversations and simply just fucking all the time - you can certainly count on the flame burning out rather quickly.

Last but not least, intimacy.  Getting to this point is only really going to be rewarding if you respect each other as friends first. Some people could argue that they are intimate, and develop a friendship along the way. Which ever way you choose to go about this is your own business. There is no right or wrong way. However, I'm finding that for my own liking - knowing someone for a long time first, and then graduating into this step could be best for me. I know this from trying all the ways that DID NOT work for me, first.  I'm old, so at 27 years old, coming to the conclusion of all these elements are very important if I seriously want my next relationship to survive. I don't want some stupid year long fling. I want a friendship, and love with the person I'm with. I want to be able to wake up everyday happy to talk to that person, and laugh with them, share my thoughts with them, my aspirations, and feel equally interested in theirs... I want to have that foundation to build a fruitful future to share my life with another human being.. my wording is so sappy.. It's the truth. No one likes the thought of growing older completely alone, and it's only natural to think of these things.  So again - these are some of the elements of what I think love is - and something I am longing to feel. I think the best things are only yet to come, and will develop with time.