Always waiting....

It seems like all of my life - I feel like there is long periods of waiting to get to the next chapter. I think maybe this time I have gotten the hang of things... Everything comes like the seasons, in cycles. People leave your life, and new ones come, and some, actually stay. My longest friendship is from childhood, the only person I can say really cares about me and loves me for who I am, and her just the same. I never had any brothers or sisters growing up, so I have always felt like she was a sibling.... without all the arguing and fighting. She's always been there for me during these periods of waiting. She see's my daily push to get to the next part of life. Whether it maybe a relationship, or moving, or my studies... I think her options matter the most, to me, in fact. My current situation, is waiting until I can leave the country again. And of course, filling that time in between so I'm not being all melancholy over this fellow I wish to see so horribly. I remember about a year ago, when I realized I even liked this guy. I felt like such a nutcase because it was online. I never thought I'd meet this guy.. But daydream to her about how he's everything I've ever wanted, in a relationship and ''oh why can't I have him?".... Basic self torture. And of course, like mentioned in a previous entry - actually meeting him solidified this feeling... Can't have batter without pancakes, you know? So of course - this whole time she's just encouraged me to go for this man... I've never had my best friend tell me to ''go for it before''.. But seeing how she analyzes everyone and everything this must be a good thing, I trust her advice.. As well as my own gut feeling. Shes certainly had her opinions on my past relationships, that I REALLY should have listened to.... but you live and learn.  With these seasons comes autumn, then winter.... Before I know it I will be heading to Washington in December - crossing my fingers for a white Christmas. Washington with my aunt has always been a place of comfort. My aunt and uncle never had kids, so I've always liked to call my aunt my ''other mom''... She really is - and though shes not always in love with the decisions I make, I love her. I decided during this time it would also be good to go visit my best friend since she is up there, near Olympia. I have this constant need to travel. It's been there since I was young. Finding a place of solace, has been important to me. Washington is one of those places, but Finland is the real  *home*. It was strange for the longest time having a longing for a place I'd never been (Tampere, Vaasa, etc)...

I feel like once I get there again, my need to roam may vanish... I can finally be at peace. I think there's very few people that can relate to this feeling. But just maybe, someone out there gets it. I know I've sure ruffled a few people's feathers telling them I'd like to go away to live. I can't tell if it is because they're miserable with their own lives and aren't living life to their fullest, or if they already have that ''home'' feeling I speak of. Either way, I won't feel at peace until I have both. Which again, brings me back to waiting... I have been waiting to actually move there, for five going on six years. the fact that the feeling to leave has never left at all only justifies my decisions. I tend to live by a mixture of intuition and logic. When I follow my intuition, I feel my best - just like how I *have* to be honest to feel my best. Even if its not all rose colored glasses - which I cannot seem to sugar coat anyhow. I'm at this point where I'm not wanting approval from anyone anymore. I guess this means I've built some level of trust with myself. It's taken me a long time to get here. Maybe years of getting older is finally bringing that along with it, too.