Huomenta

For awhile now I have been practicing mindful meditation which is the idea of focusing in the moment you are in, taking note of everything around you, how it makes you feel. This morning, I layed, wrapped up in blankets, in bed, listening to the rain fall on the roof and to the ground outside the window. Looking out the window, I could see the forest that surrounds. In that moment, I feel a euphoria within myself that only this nature stimuli can provide.  In this moment, there is reassurance in the grateful feelings for taking the moment to appreciate the small things in life that are otherwise ignored or taken for granted. When you can still find the magic in moments in something as simple as listening to the rain, you'll be able to see it in everything.

The Beginning - PT II.

 

 Go here to read The Beginning PT I

          So... I had mentioned previously about the way that I have connected with those overseas. I often forget... Where everything started... to give a brief overview... In 2008, I had randomly met a girl, named Lara.   I don't know whatever happened to her, I talked to her all the time she was a great person whom I really connected with. We had a lot in common. It was like she fell from the sky, almost. We had mutual friends... Lara and I were a crutch for one another, not only because we were both going through a weird period in our lives, but understood one another... I would go see her, often. She was a person of many talents, cooking, and painting to name a few. I have memories of visiting San Francisco with her, staying in Pleasant Hill with her and her boyfriend. Nights filled with black metal, and booze. After talking to her for a long time, she kept telling me to join last.fm ... I had no idea what this was, nor did I pay attention to these requests.. Finally, I decided to sign up. I was a student at that time so I was always busy, and forgetting... I thought the whole thing was an interesting concept for a site. Specifically music based.. yet social (social ughh). ;p

Time went on, Lara became wrapped up in some issues  within herself... Inner demons, to put it lightly.. and faded with time. She dissipated as quickly as she had arrived. The last I ever did was make/send her a Christmas card that year, of 2008.  I spoke to her once briefly in the new year, she had moved away. For some reason, I have always missed her... And have never been able to find her again.

Meanwhile, the year of 2009, being the bored student I was, taking a break between studying got curious again, with this last.fm... I have always been avidly into Finnish metal.. one way or another, I came across someone that listened to as much Behexen as I did... He was from Finland. I wrote a thing or two about Behexen on his comments.. Soon thereafter I received a message asking me if I was from Finland... And a conversation began.. From that day forward, we talked daily on msn... Some friendship had stemmed, that I hadn't expected. I did not think much of it, because it was online.

 For some reason we just kept talking... And it just never really died. A loyal friendship, at a distance. Then I find myself here, 5 and a half years later, still friends with him. He is also the reason, I have connected with my love interest (aka Mr. Fuck Yes!) whom I've been speaking to for over a year and a half now. Thus, how the journey stemmed. Thus, why I am returning... 

The Dreams ...

February 2008, laying in bed, brokenhearted, no sleep, racing heart, anxiety, feeling lost, fear, confusion, benadryl as a sleep aid... When I did finally knock myself with a sleep aid, my dreams were so vivid. I remember them all. The first night, I was somewhere else, amongst trees, there was a lake... A spiral staircase rising from it. Red velvet carpeting covered these stairs.. The top, immersed in clouds, heavenly... Northern lights lit the sky... I remember waking up feeling like something significant was going to happen. I didn't know what, at that time... 

Another night, again, taking sleeping pills to rest... Again, at a lake, this time, in a wooden boat moving down a stream. Trees heavily blanketing the surroundings on small hills... Red wooden houses on the water...The small rowboat was docked in front of one of these red houses. I pulled myself out of the boat, and to the dock. There were signs for various things, written in a language I could not recognize. The words were all so long, umlauts, double k's double i's double a's.. It was like, 'alphabet soup gone wild'... The next half of this, was being in someone's car, driving on a road, again, the signs, in this language that I could not understand... I woke up again, feeling like something important was going to happen. Still, I didn't know what it was.. 

These types of dreams continued for the next few years... 

One in particular, I remember walking down the street, heavy boots, parka, a fleece band on my ears to keep me warm, scarf around my neck... I was on a sidewalk (later recognized on my trip as a place in Vaasa) the sun was dimmed by clouds, there was a thick blanket of snow which crunched under my boots, it began to snow... I kept walking through this cold, I felt peace.

August 2009, is when I started talking to my friend whom lives in Vaasa.

The dreams continue... Soon, I was dreaming of staying at my friend's house. I kept having recurring dreams of walking down the hall, my bare feel cold, on the floor... Waking up there, not knowing if I was dreaming... Feeling shocked that I had made it there, and not remembering traveling there.. A feeling of exhaustion/renewal. Looking out the window upon my awakening..

Other various, fragmented things are remembered from this point on. I was always cold, in forests... It was the only time I felt peace, was to sleep, and be here...

In 2013 - the dreams began again... vividly...


Walking on boards on water, to get to a yellow house... with Mr.Fuck Yes...  The photo below is almost identical to what was seen, only of course, painted yellow.. I found this a few days later on pintrest, wasn't even looking for it, apparently taken in Finland somewhere.. Asking yourself about who Mr.Fuck Yes is? See this entry...

A few months later, I began dreaming of a cabin with others. It was snowing outside. All I remember was a group of people cramming into a cabin, with bunk beds... 

September 26, 2013 (originally recorded in my facebook notes)


The Perfect Stranger
Today I decided to take a nap. I haven’t been feeling all that great, so out of exhaustion my head dropped to the pillow and I was asleep right away. I found myself on a campus of a university. Everything was built from bricks. It felt like I was in Europe again.   However, I went to go walk out of this place, being acclimated to thinking I had a car after my move overseas,  I was looking for it. Then I realized I was sort of lost as I was walking on the sidewalks trying to find my way home. It started to rain, it was cold, I walked over a bridge, parts of the street I probably should not have been walking in, but traffic was sparse…  I continued walking in the middle of a street under an overpass. I took a shortcut down a flight of stairs down what seemed to be an alleyway of some sort. I heard steps coming from behind me, my heart raced and I thought someone was after me, I fastened my pace. Once I turned around I saw a man, his hair was cut short, he was blonde, had a quirky smile with a slight under bite, but nothing unusual, light eyes, and was of a medium height, but still much taller than myself. I jokingly asked if he was following me…  He said ‘’Maybe I am..’’. After he spoke I realized maybe this fellow had a drink or two. For whatever reason half-heartedly trusted his presence and was curious. After all, how likely is it that when you’re lost some good looking fellow decides to follow you? I told him I was lost… He was a bit stand-offish but it made me become even more intrigued.  We continued through the rain, I asked his age, where he worked, basically just trying purge information from this mystery person. He told me he was 33, and I could tell he was uneasy about telling me more about his job.  The longer we walked, the warmer of a feeling I felt from him. Just the general ‘’human that is content with the silent comfort of someone else’s company’’… Somehow he convinced me to get in a car with him. I would never normally get in the car with someone I hardly knew, but for some reason I felt he was harmless. We drove, and I do not remember much of the drive or where we were going. We parked his car, and right next to where we had parked someone was getting arrested. Soon I realized it was because they had been trying to trespass on the premises of this mystery man’s property. When I looked up I saw a rather large building, a mix between modern and almost a traditional Parisian architecture. In the distance, many trees surrounded the area. He walked ahead of me up the stairs at a quick pace; I followed behind trying to keep up. I was almost in denial that this was his home it seemed so unrealistic. Finally we arrived in one of the rooms; it was an office space with a large desk in a rectangle shape, with a drum set placed in the middle. Soon I found out he was a businessman, this was a part of his set up. Though, he was vague about what his business was. After sitting down and having a moment playing on his drums,  he exited the room up another flight of stairs which was a spiral staircase this time, white. Again, I followed feeling apprehensive about where I was. The next room was a living space, which included a living room, couch, TV, etc. It had a very modern feel to it and I felt at home instantaneously.  Only a few moments after walking through this room he exited once more, this time running up more stairs, they were of a dark blue hue, looked as if they were made of tile; this time I ran to catch up, but as he kept walking I felt almost stupid for following. I called a friend complaining about what had happened and asked if they could pick me up, the only issue was, I didn’t really even know where I was. I could see he was still walking up more stairs, but instead of following I turned around and went back into the living room area. I didn’t know where I was, what had I done? What a stupid idea.  How would I get home? These thoughts plagued me.
As I sat on the couch I text messaged one of my friends, his girlfriend had just broken up with him (Miika) imagine that, and not one word of disappointment. I sat there, just patiently waiting, but I had no idea what I was even waiting for. Would he even come back?  Random people started to arrive I felt cautious of their presence. Soon the mystery man arrived; this time plopping right down next to me in a friendly silence… when he turned on music for us it happened to be music I was quite familiar with, CMX to be specific. I turned to him totally surprised saying ‘’how is it that I met you on the street and we have so much in common’’.. He smiled quietly with a sense of knowing … Suddenly I felt like I was chosen specifically. He explained how he had met me while taking a shortcut to his car to get home, to his other friends sitting in the room. They too, smiled silently. Acceptance filled the air, a strong sense of familiarity, déjà vu  – like we were old friends. Had I been knocked out and brought to where I was really supposed to be? I thought to myself quietly while admiring the paintings on the walls. ‘Even the same taste in art’, I thought to myself while stirring my coffee, I sank further back into the couch.  This was especially appealing after feeling such a sense of being lost trying to find my way home. He looked down at his drink thinking carefully. Then told me partially about what he had to do for his job, some of it involved fire arms. He told me that if the premises were ever to be invaded to hide in the shower. This seemed illogical however, simply because the shower was in the middle of the bathroom and was of a circular shape, made of glass. Who in their right mind would hide in there? I never knew if he was being completely serious with me or just saying it to get a reaction out of me. I took everything he said with a grain of salt. After all, here I was sitting in his living room with his friends, not even knowing his name drinking coffee, making myself at home, simply because I ‘felt’ like I should be there. Why did I still feel a sense of trust with this stranger? Soon after I was abruptly awoken by my mom coming through the door with a bottle of wine; something that was of some relief after dreaming of what seemed like the perfect person… It almost seems as if the mind compiles characteristics of everyone you’ve ever envied in one way or another to create the one thing you’ve ever wanted to feel. It’s not about always about words – but intuition, the solidified feeling of just knowing. I’ve taken chances of finding comfort with strangers now, especially taking the train by myself in an unfamiliar country… Most people really do mean well, is the moral of the stories I suppose… but when will that happen with good old fashioned love? They say it shows up when you least expect it.

 I decided to tear the symbolism apart in this one since it was so metaphorical. This ended up being recognized as Tampere, downtown...


Symbolism:


Blue: "Blue represents truth, wisdom, heaven, eternity, devotion, tranquility, loyalty and openness. Perhaps you are expressing a desire to get away. The presence of this color in your dream may symbolize your spiritual guide and your optimism of the future. You have clarity of mind."

White:
White represents purity, perfection, peace, innocence, dignity, cleanliness, awareness, and new beginnings, you maybe experiencing a reawakening or have a fresh outlook on life. Alternatively, white refers to a clean, blank slate. 

Paintings: "To see a painting in your dream represents creativity and your need for self-expression. The painting is symbolic of your intuition and inner realizations."

Climbing up stairs:
"To dream that you are walking up a flight of stairs indicate that you are achieving a higher level of understanding. You are making progress into your spiritual, emotional or material journey. The dream is also analogous to material and thoughts that are coming to the surface."

Rain
"To see and hear rain falling symbolizes forgiveness and grace. Falling rain is also a metaphor for tears, crying and sadness. Alternatively, rain symbolizes fertility and renewal. If you get wet from the rain, then it indicates cleaning from your troubles and problems. "

Coffee:
"To dream that you are drinking coffee with someone indicates that you might have feelings for that person. Alternatively, having coffee with someone denotes your hospitality and sociability."

33

"Thirty-Three represents high potential and spiritual awareness."

Alternatively 333 is seen often in dreams/waking life -If the number 333 appears in your dream, then it means that you are looking for guidance. You have lost your way and need help to get back on the right track. -- The meaning of 333 is a union of mind body and spirit. It signifies truth and that we are all one. All things are equal. 

Since going, and visiting, the dreams have slowed down  and feeling more connected. The feeling of peace while awaiting the return... 

Music: Tenhi - Kielo





 

New.

Everything that we've ever done, is all a result of our own actions. Sometimes I come to think that I subconsciously act on things without even recognizing it and when it manifests I become surprised. What if that is the same for the destruction everything to make room for building a new life?  As much as I try to make a smooth transition into the next part of my life, it's almost as if certain aspects are simply not allowed to cross over, and doing this, will feel very unnatural. I'm beginning to feel a mix between everything I have ever worked for is being destroyed, by me, subconsciously.  I don't know how I feel about this. It's neutral. I would like to see so many different improvements in my life, on so many levels. I guess if this is the way it needs to happen, then so be it.  However, I will simply not give in without trying, first.  I am getting tired. I cannot simply go on like this for much longer. I feel like everyday, life is draining from me as redundancy consumes my daily life, and until the transition has completed, I will not feel complete. I feel a sense of calm, in a time that should terrify me. I know everything works out, for the better, improving each time,  a lesson to be learned.  I have seen this all before. Only this time, I know how to handle it. This time, is a step toward the right direction.  A step I have been wanting to take for years now, and additionally, toward someone I trust. I am not one to confide in another person. However, I have found myself doing this for once in my life for the past year and a half. I usually find myself alone, in every decision I make.

I feel like a different person. I have never felt so strongly that I just needed to get rid of absolutely everything, and move on. It is not only a disconnection from my past, but feeling indifferent to it. I'm not emotionless by any means, just wiser from observing, and learning.


Music: Hanging Garden - Wormwood

Silence.

Lately, I feel like I'm just an observer. Watching other people live their life. While I am separated from them. It is neutral. I'm trapped under a huge ice sheet, looking up at everyone walking to their destination, some dressed to go out, some dressed in professional attire, going to work. It looks like some sort pre-programmed society. Meanwhile, here under the ice, my atmosphere radiates blue, I float in place, I am content. It's some sort of heavenly retreat, where I can just 'be'.

Music :Hammock - I can almost see you (click to re-direct to youtube)

Dawn

In silence

Lack of our awakening

Wind kisses the leaves 

As the sun attempts illuminate the path

Of aching bones

The only time

That belongs to you and I 

Passing thoughts...

I often find myself reflecting on everything that an happen in a year. Before you know it, years have melted away, bleeding through from one to another.  I cannot look upon anything with regret, or hatred. It was all simply just a learning experience. Sometimes I wonder if all the difficult things are to happen first, to prepare you both for the worst, and so you can have a feeling of relief when the right things do finally happen. It's a fulfilling feeling to have everything you've ever wished for, fall into it's place.

Love

After being in various relationships over the years... I am actually beginning to stop and think to myself... What is love really? The more I think about it. I don't feel like I have ever REALLY been IN love. Maybe in lust, infatuation...  I've loved the idea of being in love so much, that I have gotten myself into all sorts of catastrophes and the only person I can blame is myself.  Up until a few weeks ago, I never really questioned myself this deeply on the subject. I think it is this way because up until weeks ago, I felt, numb. It's like I was on autopilot trying to be the best girlfriend ever and not really thinking about the things I wanted or needed nor had a partner that followed suit to their word. It dawned on me - all this time I had not really been taking care of myself. I had let myself become a doormat. I had let myself push away my aspirations for a relationship. Someone that really loves you, would encourage you to be your best and not hold you back. They would hold a flame to your ass and tell you to ''get to work!''... My point is - someone can feed you all the words in the world to get you to fall for them, but if action does not stand behind their words - it's brittle, spineless, and simply will not last! I tend to get swept away in the moment in the beginning and that is when people feed you the most bullshit... Simply to get you to stay with them. They probably don't realize its harmful at the time, but it will only cause resentment in the future. I try not to keep score with what people tell me, but I cannot help this! I choose my words wisely and say what I mean, so I feel I expect the same with others, and boooyy oh boy, is that a let down. Now, don't get me wrong, I have had fun in my relationships, each one of them has been very different, and enlightening. I have learned traits I do, and I don't like about people, and have daydreamed on what I would like to see in a future entanglement.

First and foremost, simply caring for another human being is the start of many great things. I don't mean on a superficial level alone.. Sure, its great to think your significant other is attractive, but wanting to dig into their psyche and know about who is behind that pretty face is really what it's all about. Generally wanting to nurture a person is a trait of this as well. Of course, the need to nurture can also fall under the realm of attachment. Romantic attachments would have to be one of the most rewarding feelings. It's a magnetic chemistry that brings people together again, and again, simply for the sake of enjoying each others company. If it is love, this magnetism never dies. You can sit in the same room and not say a word, and still be content with each others company. This type of comfort level is not only found in love relationships, but friendships, too. This is the type of attachment that reflects that you have seen everything good, bad and in between, of the other person and still love them for who they are, and still want to be in their presence. This brings me to commitment... I feel that true love is being loyal to your partner's face, and behind their back. If someone questions your partner and you only speak positively about them, and feel you have nothing bad to say about them, you're on the right path. The most important part is that you're honest with yourself. If you feel negative about your partner and are actually living in denial about some awful trait they have, its probably time to confront it, or run for the hills before it drives you up the wall! Additionally, commitment is being at their side at all times, when needed. Whether it may just be simply to listen, be emotionally supportive, or have them support you in your goals... If you feel good about your partner, and they feel good about you, this will come naturally and not be something that feels forced.
Going back to attraction... This is obviously a very important trait. This is what allows physical intimacy, something in which is key to any romantic relationship. Without this, a relationship tends to wither away and become less emotionally attached. Of course, if sex is all the relationship is about - it most likely only falls under the category of lust rather than love. If you're not having conversations and simply just fucking all the time - you can certainly count on the flame burning out rather quickly.

Last but not least, intimacy.  Getting to this point is only really going to be rewarding if you respect each other as friends first. Some people could argue that they are intimate, and develop a friendship along the way. Which ever way you choose to go about this is your own business. There is no right or wrong way. However, I'm finding that for my own liking - knowing someone for a long time first, and then graduating into this step could be best for me. I know this from trying all the ways that DID NOT work for me, first.  I'm old, so at 27 years old, coming to the conclusion of all these elements are very important if I seriously want my next relationship to survive. I don't want some stupid year long fling. I want a friendship, and love with the person I'm with. I want to be able to wake up everyday happy to talk to that person, and laugh with them, share my thoughts with them, my aspirations, and feel equally interested in theirs... I want to have that foundation to build a fruitful future to share my life with another human being.. my wording is so sappy.. It's the truth. No one likes the thought of growing older completely alone, and it's only natural to think of these things.  So again - these are some of the elements of what I think love is - and something I am longing to feel. I think the best things are only yet to come, and will develop with time.

Sometimes I can't write, so I sing...

This is a new song idea which may/may not be re-record... Click the link below and it will lead to youtube.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fdkplH3lGUU

Always waiting....

It seems like all of my life - I feel like there is long periods of waiting to get to the next chapter. I think maybe this time I have gotten the hang of things... Everything comes like the seasons, in cycles. People leave your life, and new ones come, and some, actually stay. My longest friendship is from childhood, the only person I can say really cares about me and loves me for who I am, and her just the same. I never had any brothers or sisters growing up, so I have always felt like she was a sibling.... without all the arguing and fighting. She's always been there for me during these periods of waiting. She see's my daily push to get to the next part of life. Whether it maybe a relationship, or moving, or my studies... I think her options matter the most, to me, in fact. My current situation, is waiting until I can leave the country again. And of course, filling that time in between so I'm not being all melancholy over this fellow I wish to see so horribly. I remember about a year ago, when I realized I even liked this guy. I felt like such a nutcase because it was online. I never thought I'd meet this guy.. But daydream to her about how he's everything I've ever wanted, in a relationship and ''oh why can't I have him?".... Basic self torture. And of course, like mentioned in a previous entry - actually meeting him solidified this feeling... Can't have batter without pancakes, you know? So of course - this whole time she's just encouraged me to go for this man... I've never had my best friend tell me to ''go for it before''.. But seeing how she analyzes everyone and everything this must be a good thing, I trust her advice.. As well as my own gut feeling. Shes certainly had her opinions on my past relationships, that I REALLY should have listened to.... but you live and learn.  With these seasons comes autumn, then winter.... Before I know it I will be heading to Washington in December - crossing my fingers for a white Christmas. Washington with my aunt has always been a place of comfort. My aunt and uncle never had kids, so I've always liked to call my aunt my ''other mom''... She really is - and though shes not always in love with the decisions I make, I love her. I decided during this time it would also be good to go visit my best friend since she is up there, near Olympia. I have this constant need to travel. It's been there since I was young. Finding a place of solace, has been important to me. Washington is one of those places, but Finland is the real  *home*. It was strange for the longest time having a longing for a place I'd never been (Tampere, Vaasa, etc)...

I feel like once I get there again, my need to roam may vanish... I can finally be at peace. I think there's very few people that can relate to this feeling. But just maybe, someone out there gets it. I know I've sure ruffled a few people's feathers telling them I'd like to go away to live. I can't tell if it is because they're miserable with their own lives and aren't living life to their fullest, or if they already have that ''home'' feeling I speak of. Either way, I won't feel at peace until I have both. Which again, brings me back to waiting... I have been waiting to actually move there, for five going on six years. the fact that the feeling to leave has never left at all only justifies my decisions. I tend to live by a mixture of intuition and logic. When I follow my intuition, I feel my best - just like how I *have* to be honest to feel my best. Even if its not all rose colored glasses - which I cannot seem to sugar coat anyhow. I'm at this point where I'm not wanting approval from anyone anymore. I guess this means I've built some level of trust with myself. It's taken me a long time to get here. Maybe years of getting older is finally bringing that along with it, too.

The Notebook? No. Too lame.

Quite some time ago - it became extremely apparently to me, that I had some stupid ability to gain internet crushes. I know, it sounds elementary right? I noticed it about a year and a half ago,  with one of my friends, whom I had began talking to, in Finland. I didn't really think much of it at the time. Nor did I feel I expressed it too much, and neither did he... Over time, I thought I was recognizing only subtle hints. I thought it was this way because it was what I wanted to see. The conversations continued daily, nightly, it was like I was a moth to a flame. I didn't know what was going on, and I didn't mind it. It just felt good. Years later, going to Finland, and meeting this man, was life-changing. I cannot remember the last time I have been so stunned by another person's presence. I nearly dropped my bottle of wine. It instead, hit the table very hard. I felt like a teenage girl again, I could not express anything at that moment. I remained silent for the most of the cabin trip. It was fucking killing me! I had no idea what to say... But I did realize this was a once in a lifetime opportunity type of moment - that only I had the power to change. I felt like I would strongly regret not saying at all. It turns out, all of those feelings were reciprocated. My mind had never been making up my miniscule possibility, after all.  Life is too damn short to stay in some unhappy relationship that is not serving you well. Like the author Mark Mason says, live by his law of Fuck Yes or No!

"The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” states that when you want to get involved with someone new, in whatever capacity, they must inspire you to say “Fuck Yes” in order for you to proceed with them. The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” also states that when you want to get involved with someone new, in whatever capacity, THEY must respond with a “Fuck Yes” in order for you to proceed with them." - Mark Mason (http://markmanson.net/fuck-yes)

In this case, with this man, it is a FUCK YES!...  Needless to say, I cannot wait for my return to Finland here in a couple of months. Until then, my pathetic addiction to technology to stay in touch will subdue. Distance makes the heart grow fonder.. *hurhurhur*. ..  If we have already made it this far, I believe the wait will only make things stronger. There is still so much about our personalities that are yet to be discovered, that you just... cannot quite get across on a computer. So I'm sure that process will be somewhat rewarding. Either way, it is nice to feel as I can put my trust in someone just as they are, and for all they could be. It feels like  things just keep unwinding, like some huge ball of yarn. I like what I see... Can I get a ''fuck yes" again... ?

Chapter 1 : The Beginning

So.. I will start off by saying.. that I really have not felt like writing anything in a really long time. I normally I wouldn't have the peace, nor time of day to day anything at all, or even hear myself think. That is, before I decided to ditch my last living situation, and move home. Yes, I did.. 27 years old, and back home. However, if you really want to see why the hell I made such a decision, the best bet would be to go back a little bit further. It was 2008, got my ass dumped out of my first serious relationship, began having panic attacks, you name it. It was a horrible time. I then decided to go back to school... At that time, I only had a cosmetology license... I wanted more out of life than just do hair, and worry about superficial things like make up and bobby pins! Not that it's not fun... But I've always felt that maybe life has a bit more lessons to learn than bleaching Barbie's (or my own) hair. Needless to say, this idea dawned on me, when I wanted to say.. ''fuck everything I'm moving to Helsinki Finland... " Before this, I had been having dreams about Finland.. I don't know if was because the amount of HIM or other Finnish bands I had always listened to, but I was THERE. The immense feeling of calm that washed over me was ridiculous and euphoric, I wanted to be there forever. Of course, this was a place of solace, in my dreams, since all I had been experiencing in my waking life was a living hell at the time. To get over this stress, every night, I would close my eyes, and picture I was in the forest, aurora would be dancing in the sky, and snow would be falling. The cool air would kiss my cheeks, and it was beautiful! I made it my mission to make this a reality for myself. At times, I thought I was crazy for wanting to find solace in a completely different country. The more a dream, the more I wanted to know. I started reading culture books, becoming acquainted with basic Finnish, and thinking of ways I could transfer to school, there when I was done with my associates degree, here. Lets face it, an American degree does not have *shit* on a degree from Finland... Which is also why just now, I am deciding to continue to a bachelors degree. I don't get degrees just to feel cool and brag about myself. There is a healthy sense of accomplishment and self-growth that comes along with it, too. I'm not the type of person to go, and suffer with studying some subject I'll hate just because I'll get some nice paying job. NO! It's for personal, pleasure... I like the world when it has a sense of wonder. I like knowing that there are things that I don't know. That just means I'll have a stimulated mind, forever. Well, needless to say, I completed my first round of school in 2011, got distracted with a few years worth of relationships... etc. I In that time period I had began speaking to a few different people, in Finland... Little did I know, they would have such a huge impact on my life. These would be some the best friendships of my life. They have shown me that loyalty, honesty, and long-term friendships do exist, even at a distance. Of course, I knew this ... My best friend from childhood has been living two states away now, we somehow still have a close friendship as well. Getting back to the point, not many people these days are willing to reach out, and simply say ''Hi''.. Everyone is too caught up in themselves to give a shit about anyone. Anyhow, just this year, I finally went to Finland to visit these friends. Words cannot possibly describe the immense amount of peace I felt. It was nice to know, that something that came to me in dreams, years prior during some of the worst periods of my life, was right before me, just as I had pictured it.  On the way there, I could not sleep. I happened to look out the window. None other than aurora was outside, dancing in the sky. While everyone else was nestled in their blankets on the airplane, I stayed up listening to ambient music, and watching the sunrise over Greenland. It was the most, or close to most, spiritual experience I've ever had. Something told me, this was only the beginning to a new chapter of my life...

The Beginning PT II. -- The Dreams...