The Beginning - PT II.

 

 Go here to read The Beginning PT I

          So... I had mentioned previously about the way that I have connected with those overseas. I often forget... Where everything started... to give a brief overview... In 2008, I had randomly met a girl, named Lara.   I don't know whatever happened to her, I talked to her all the time she was a great person whom I really connected with. We had a lot in common. It was like she fell from the sky, almost. We had mutual friends... Lara and I were a crutch for one another, not only because we were both going through a weird period in our lives, but understood one another... I would go see her, often. She was a person of many talents, cooking, and painting to name a few. I have memories of visiting San Francisco with her, staying in Pleasant Hill with her and her boyfriend. Nights filled with black metal, and booze. After talking to her for a long time, she kept telling me to join last.fm ... I had no idea what this was, nor did I pay attention to these requests.. Finally, I decided to sign up. I was a student at that time so I was always busy, and forgetting... I thought the whole thing was an interesting concept for a site. Specifically music based.. yet social (social ughh). ;p

Time went on, Lara became wrapped up in some issues  within herself... Inner demons, to put it lightly.. and faded with time. She dissipated as quickly as she had arrived. The last I ever did was make/send her a Christmas card that year, of 2008.  I spoke to her once briefly in the new year, she had moved away. For some reason, I have always missed her... And have never been able to find her again.

Meanwhile, the year of 2009, being the bored student I was, taking a break between studying got curious again, with this last.fm... I have always been avidly into Finnish metal.. one way or another, I came across someone that listened to as much Behexen as I did... He was from Finland. I wrote a thing or two about Behexen on his comments.. Soon thereafter I received a message asking me if I was from Finland... And a conversation began.. From that day forward, we talked daily on msn... Some friendship had stemmed, that I hadn't expected. I did not think much of it, because it was online.

 For some reason we just kept talking... And it just never really died. A loyal friendship, at a distance. Then I find myself here, 5 and a half years later, still friends with him. He is also the reason, I have connected with my love interest (aka Mr. Fuck Yes!) whom I've been speaking to for over a year and a half now. Thus, how the journey stemmed. Thus, why I am returning... 

The Dreams ...

February 2008, laying in bed, brokenhearted, no sleep, racing heart, anxiety, feeling lost, fear, confusion, benadryl as a sleep aid... When I did finally knock myself with a sleep aid, my dreams were so vivid. I remember them all. The first night, I was somewhere else, amongst trees, there was a lake... A spiral staircase rising from it. Red velvet carpeting covered these stairs.. The top, immersed in clouds, heavenly... Northern lights lit the sky... I remember waking up feeling like something significant was going to happen. I didn't know what, at that time... 

Another night, again, taking sleeping pills to rest... Again, at a lake, this time, in a wooden boat moving down a stream. Trees heavily blanketing the surroundings on small hills... Red wooden houses on the water...The small rowboat was docked in front of one of these red houses. I pulled myself out of the boat, and to the dock. There were signs for various things, written in a language I could not recognize. The words were all so long, umlauts, double k's double i's double a's.. It was like, 'alphabet soup gone wild'... The next half of this, was being in someone's car, driving on a road, again, the signs, in this language that I could not understand... I woke up again, feeling like something important was going to happen. Still, I didn't know what it was.. 

These types of dreams continued for the next few years... 

One in particular, I remember walking down the street, heavy boots, parka, a fleece band on my ears to keep me warm, scarf around my neck... I was on a sidewalk (later recognized on my trip as a place in Vaasa) the sun was dimmed by clouds, there was a thick blanket of snow which crunched under my boots, it began to snow... I kept walking through this cold, I felt peace.

August 2009, is when I started talking to my friend whom lives in Vaasa.

The dreams continue... Soon, I was dreaming of staying at my friend's house. I kept having recurring dreams of walking down the hall, my bare feel cold, on the floor... Waking up there, not knowing if I was dreaming... Feeling shocked that I had made it there, and not remembering traveling there.. A feeling of exhaustion/renewal. Looking out the window upon my awakening..

Other various, fragmented things are remembered from this point on. I was always cold, in forests... It was the only time I felt peace, was to sleep, and be here...

In 2013 - the dreams began again... vividly...


Walking on boards on water, to get to a yellow house... with Mr.Fuck Yes...  The photo below is almost identical to what was seen, only of course, painted yellow.. I found this a few days later on pintrest, wasn't even looking for it, apparently taken in Finland somewhere.. Asking yourself about who Mr.Fuck Yes is? See this entry...

A few months later, I began dreaming of a cabin with others. It was snowing outside. All I remember was a group of people cramming into a cabin, with bunk beds... 

September 26, 2013 (originally recorded in my facebook notes)


The Perfect Stranger
Today I decided to take a nap. I haven’t been feeling all that great, so out of exhaustion my head dropped to the pillow and I was asleep right away. I found myself on a campus of a university. Everything was built from bricks. It felt like I was in Europe again.   However, I went to go walk out of this place, being acclimated to thinking I had a car after my move overseas,  I was looking for it. Then I realized I was sort of lost as I was walking on the sidewalks trying to find my way home. It started to rain, it was cold, I walked over a bridge, parts of the street I probably should not have been walking in, but traffic was sparse…  I continued walking in the middle of a street under an overpass. I took a shortcut down a flight of stairs down what seemed to be an alleyway of some sort. I heard steps coming from behind me, my heart raced and I thought someone was after me, I fastened my pace. Once I turned around I saw a man, his hair was cut short, he was blonde, had a quirky smile with a slight under bite, but nothing unusual, light eyes, and was of a medium height, but still much taller than myself. I jokingly asked if he was following me…  He said ‘’Maybe I am..’’. After he spoke I realized maybe this fellow had a drink or two. For whatever reason half-heartedly trusted his presence and was curious. After all, how likely is it that when you’re lost some good looking fellow decides to follow you? I told him I was lost… He was a bit stand-offish but it made me become even more intrigued.  We continued through the rain, I asked his age, where he worked, basically just trying purge information from this mystery person. He told me he was 33, and I could tell he was uneasy about telling me more about his job.  The longer we walked, the warmer of a feeling I felt from him. Just the general ‘’human that is content with the silent comfort of someone else’s company’’… Somehow he convinced me to get in a car with him. I would never normally get in the car with someone I hardly knew, but for some reason I felt he was harmless. We drove, and I do not remember much of the drive or where we were going. We parked his car, and right next to where we had parked someone was getting arrested. Soon I realized it was because they had been trying to trespass on the premises of this mystery man’s property. When I looked up I saw a rather large building, a mix between modern and almost a traditional Parisian architecture. In the distance, many trees surrounded the area. He walked ahead of me up the stairs at a quick pace; I followed behind trying to keep up. I was almost in denial that this was his home it seemed so unrealistic. Finally we arrived in one of the rooms; it was an office space with a large desk in a rectangle shape, with a drum set placed in the middle. Soon I found out he was a businessman, this was a part of his set up. Though, he was vague about what his business was. After sitting down and having a moment playing on his drums,  he exited the room up another flight of stairs which was a spiral staircase this time, white. Again, I followed feeling apprehensive about where I was. The next room was a living space, which included a living room, couch, TV, etc. It had a very modern feel to it and I felt at home instantaneously.  Only a few moments after walking through this room he exited once more, this time running up more stairs, they were of a dark blue hue, looked as if they were made of tile; this time I ran to catch up, but as he kept walking I felt almost stupid for following. I called a friend complaining about what had happened and asked if they could pick me up, the only issue was, I didn’t really even know where I was. I could see he was still walking up more stairs, but instead of following I turned around and went back into the living room area. I didn’t know where I was, what had I done? What a stupid idea.  How would I get home? These thoughts plagued me.
As I sat on the couch I text messaged one of my friends, his girlfriend had just broken up with him (Miika) imagine that, and not one word of disappointment. I sat there, just patiently waiting, but I had no idea what I was even waiting for. Would he even come back?  Random people started to arrive I felt cautious of their presence. Soon the mystery man arrived; this time plopping right down next to me in a friendly silence… when he turned on music for us it happened to be music I was quite familiar with, CMX to be specific. I turned to him totally surprised saying ‘’how is it that I met you on the street and we have so much in common’’.. He smiled quietly with a sense of knowing … Suddenly I felt like I was chosen specifically. He explained how he had met me while taking a shortcut to his car to get home, to his other friends sitting in the room. They too, smiled silently. Acceptance filled the air, a strong sense of familiarity, déjà vu  – like we were old friends. Had I been knocked out and brought to where I was really supposed to be? I thought to myself quietly while admiring the paintings on the walls. ‘Even the same taste in art’, I thought to myself while stirring my coffee, I sank further back into the couch.  This was especially appealing after feeling such a sense of being lost trying to find my way home. He looked down at his drink thinking carefully. Then told me partially about what he had to do for his job, some of it involved fire arms. He told me that if the premises were ever to be invaded to hide in the shower. This seemed illogical however, simply because the shower was in the middle of the bathroom and was of a circular shape, made of glass. Who in their right mind would hide in there? I never knew if he was being completely serious with me or just saying it to get a reaction out of me. I took everything he said with a grain of salt. After all, here I was sitting in his living room with his friends, not even knowing his name drinking coffee, making myself at home, simply because I ‘felt’ like I should be there. Why did I still feel a sense of trust with this stranger? Soon after I was abruptly awoken by my mom coming through the door with a bottle of wine; something that was of some relief after dreaming of what seemed like the perfect person… It almost seems as if the mind compiles characteristics of everyone you’ve ever envied in one way or another to create the one thing you’ve ever wanted to feel. It’s not about always about words – but intuition, the solidified feeling of just knowing. I’ve taken chances of finding comfort with strangers now, especially taking the train by myself in an unfamiliar country… Most people really do mean well, is the moral of the stories I suppose… but when will that happen with good old fashioned love? They say it shows up when you least expect it.

 I decided to tear the symbolism apart in this one since it was so metaphorical. This ended up being recognized as Tampere, downtown...


Symbolism:


Blue: "Blue represents truth, wisdom, heaven, eternity, devotion, tranquility, loyalty and openness. Perhaps you are expressing a desire to get away. The presence of this color in your dream may symbolize your spiritual guide and your optimism of the future. You have clarity of mind."

White:
White represents purity, perfection, peace, innocence, dignity, cleanliness, awareness, and new beginnings, you maybe experiencing a reawakening or have a fresh outlook on life. Alternatively, white refers to a clean, blank slate. 

Paintings: "To see a painting in your dream represents creativity and your need for self-expression. The painting is symbolic of your intuition and inner realizations."

Climbing up stairs:
"To dream that you are walking up a flight of stairs indicate that you are achieving a higher level of understanding. You are making progress into your spiritual, emotional or material journey. The dream is also analogous to material and thoughts that are coming to the surface."

Rain
"To see and hear rain falling symbolizes forgiveness and grace. Falling rain is also a metaphor for tears, crying and sadness. Alternatively, rain symbolizes fertility and renewal. If you get wet from the rain, then it indicates cleaning from your troubles and problems. "

Coffee:
"To dream that you are drinking coffee with someone indicates that you might have feelings for that person. Alternatively, having coffee with someone denotes your hospitality and sociability."

33

"Thirty-Three represents high potential and spiritual awareness."

Alternatively 333 is seen often in dreams/waking life -If the number 333 appears in your dream, then it means that you are looking for guidance. You have lost your way and need help to get back on the right track. -- The meaning of 333 is a union of mind body and spirit. It signifies truth and that we are all one. All things are equal. 

Since going, and visiting, the dreams have slowed down  and feeling more connected. The feeling of peace while awaiting the return... 

Music: Tenhi - Kielo





 

New.

Everything that we've ever done, is all a result of our own actions. Sometimes I come to think that I subconsciously act on things without even recognizing it and when it manifests I become surprised. What if that is the same for the destruction everything to make room for building a new life?  As much as I try to make a smooth transition into the next part of my life, it's almost as if certain aspects are simply not allowed to cross over, and doing this, will feel very unnatural. I'm beginning to feel a mix between everything I have ever worked for is being destroyed, by me, subconsciously.  I don't know how I feel about this. It's neutral. I would like to see so many different improvements in my life, on so many levels. I guess if this is the way it needs to happen, then so be it.  However, I will simply not give in without trying, first.  I am getting tired. I cannot simply go on like this for much longer. I feel like everyday, life is draining from me as redundancy consumes my daily life, and until the transition has completed, I will not feel complete. I feel a sense of calm, in a time that should terrify me. I know everything works out, for the better, improving each time,  a lesson to be learned.  I have seen this all before. Only this time, I know how to handle it. This time, is a step toward the right direction.  A step I have been wanting to take for years now, and additionally, toward someone I trust. I am not one to confide in another person. However, I have found myself doing this for once in my life for the past year and a half. I usually find myself alone, in every decision I make.

I feel like a different person. I have never felt so strongly that I just needed to get rid of absolutely everything, and move on. It is not only a disconnection from my past, but feeling indifferent to it. I'm not emotionless by any means, just wiser from observing, and learning.


Music: Hanging Garden - Wormwood

Silence.

Lately, I feel like I'm just an observer. Watching other people live their life. While I am separated from them. It is neutral. I'm trapped under a huge ice sheet, looking up at everyone walking to their destination, some dressed to go out, some dressed in professional attire, going to work. It looks like some sort pre-programmed society. Meanwhile, here under the ice, my atmosphere radiates blue, I float in place, I am content. It's some sort of heavenly retreat, where I can just 'be'.

Music :Hammock - I can almost see you (click to re-direct to youtube)

Dawn

In silence

Lack of our awakening

Wind kisses the leaves 

As the sun attempts illuminate the path

Of aching bones

The only time

That belongs to you and I 

Passing thoughts...

I often find myself reflecting on everything that an happen in a year. Before you know it, years have melted away, bleeding through from one to another.  I cannot look upon anything with regret, or hatred. It was all simply just a learning experience. Sometimes I wonder if all the difficult things are to happen first, to prepare you both for the worst, and so you can have a feeling of relief when the right things do finally happen. It's a fulfilling feeling to have everything you've ever wished for, fall into it's place.