Love

After being in various relationships over the years... I am actually beginning to stop and think to myself... What is love really? The more I think about it. I don't feel like I have ever REALLY been IN love. Maybe in lust, infatuation...  I've loved the idea of being in love so much, that I have gotten myself into all sorts of catastrophes and the only person I can blame is myself.  Up until a few weeks ago, I never really questioned myself this deeply on the subject. I think it is this way because up until weeks ago, I felt, numb. It's like I was on autopilot trying to be the best girlfriend ever and not really thinking about the things I wanted or needed nor had a partner that followed suit to their word. It dawned on me - all this time I had not really been taking care of myself. I had let myself become a doormat. I had let myself push away my aspirations for a relationship. Someone that really loves you, would encourage you to be your best and not hold you back. They would hold a flame to your ass and tell you to ''get to work!''... My point is - someone can feed you all the words in the world to get you to fall for them, but if action does not stand behind their words - it's brittle, spineless, and simply will not last! I tend to get swept away in the moment in the beginning and that is when people feed you the most bullshit... Simply to get you to stay with them. They probably don't realize its harmful at the time, but it will only cause resentment in the future. I try not to keep score with what people tell me, but I cannot help this! I choose my words wisely and say what I mean, so I feel I expect the same with others, and boooyy oh boy, is that a let down. Now, don't get me wrong, I have had fun in my relationships, each one of them has been very different, and enlightening. I have learned traits I do, and I don't like about people, and have daydreamed on what I would like to see in a future entanglement.

First and foremost, simply caring for another human being is the start of many great things. I don't mean on a superficial level alone.. Sure, its great to think your significant other is attractive, but wanting to dig into their psyche and know about who is behind that pretty face is really what it's all about. Generally wanting to nurture a person is a trait of this as well. Of course, the need to nurture can also fall under the realm of attachment. Romantic attachments would have to be one of the most rewarding feelings. It's a magnetic chemistry that brings people together again, and again, simply for the sake of enjoying each others company. If it is love, this magnetism never dies. You can sit in the same room and not say a word, and still be content with each others company. This type of comfort level is not only found in love relationships, but friendships, too. This is the type of attachment that reflects that you have seen everything good, bad and in between, of the other person and still love them for who they are, and still want to be in their presence. This brings me to commitment... I feel that true love is being loyal to your partner's face, and behind their back. If someone questions your partner and you only speak positively about them, and feel you have nothing bad to say about them, you're on the right path. The most important part is that you're honest with yourself. If you feel negative about your partner and are actually living in denial about some awful trait they have, its probably time to confront it, or run for the hills before it drives you up the wall! Additionally, commitment is being at their side at all times, when needed. Whether it may just be simply to listen, be emotionally supportive, or have them support you in your goals... If you feel good about your partner, and they feel good about you, this will come naturally and not be something that feels forced.
Going back to attraction... This is obviously a very important trait. This is what allows physical intimacy, something in which is key to any romantic relationship. Without this, a relationship tends to wither away and become less emotionally attached. Of course, if sex is all the relationship is about - it most likely only falls under the category of lust rather than love. If you're not having conversations and simply just fucking all the time - you can certainly count on the flame burning out rather quickly.

Last but not least, intimacy.  Getting to this point is only really going to be rewarding if you respect each other as friends first. Some people could argue that they are intimate, and develop a friendship along the way. Which ever way you choose to go about this is your own business. There is no right or wrong way. However, I'm finding that for my own liking - knowing someone for a long time first, and then graduating into this step could be best for me. I know this from trying all the ways that DID NOT work for me, first.  I'm old, so at 27 years old, coming to the conclusion of all these elements are very important if I seriously want my next relationship to survive. I don't want some stupid year long fling. I want a friendship, and love with the person I'm with. I want to be able to wake up everyday happy to talk to that person, and laugh with them, share my thoughts with them, my aspirations, and feel equally interested in theirs... I want to have that foundation to build a fruitful future to share my life with another human being.. my wording is so sappy.. It's the truth. No one likes the thought of growing older completely alone, and it's only natural to think of these things.  So again - these are some of the elements of what I think love is - and something I am longing to feel. I think the best things are only yet to come, and will develop with time.

Sometimes I can't write, so I sing...

This is a new song idea which may/may not be re-record... Click the link below and it will lead to youtube.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fdkplH3lGUU

Always waiting....

It seems like all of my life - I feel like there is long periods of waiting to get to the next chapter. I think maybe this time I have gotten the hang of things... Everything comes like the seasons, in cycles. People leave your life, and new ones come, and some, actually stay. My longest friendship is from childhood, the only person I can say really cares about me and loves me for who I am, and her just the same. I never had any brothers or sisters growing up, so I have always felt like she was a sibling.... without all the arguing and fighting. She's always been there for me during these periods of waiting. She see's my daily push to get to the next part of life. Whether it maybe a relationship, or moving, or my studies... I think her options matter the most, to me, in fact. My current situation, is waiting until I can leave the country again. And of course, filling that time in between so I'm not being all melancholy over this fellow I wish to see so horribly. I remember about a year ago, when I realized I even liked this guy. I felt like such a nutcase because it was online. I never thought I'd meet this guy.. But daydream to her about how he's everything I've ever wanted, in a relationship and ''oh why can't I have him?".... Basic self torture. And of course, like mentioned in a previous entry - actually meeting him solidified this feeling... Can't have batter without pancakes, you know? So of course - this whole time she's just encouraged me to go for this man... I've never had my best friend tell me to ''go for it before''.. But seeing how she analyzes everyone and everything this must be a good thing, I trust her advice.. As well as my own gut feeling. Shes certainly had her opinions on my past relationships, that I REALLY should have listened to.... but you live and learn.  With these seasons comes autumn, then winter.... Before I know it I will be heading to Washington in December - crossing my fingers for a white Christmas. Washington with my aunt has always been a place of comfort. My aunt and uncle never had kids, so I've always liked to call my aunt my ''other mom''... She really is - and though shes not always in love with the decisions I make, I love her. I decided during this time it would also be good to go visit my best friend since she is up there, near Olympia. I have this constant need to travel. It's been there since I was young. Finding a place of solace, has been important to me. Washington is one of those places, but Finland is the real  *home*. It was strange for the longest time having a longing for a place I'd never been (Tampere, Vaasa, etc)...

I feel like once I get there again, my need to roam may vanish... I can finally be at peace. I think there's very few people that can relate to this feeling. But just maybe, someone out there gets it. I know I've sure ruffled a few people's feathers telling them I'd like to go away to live. I can't tell if it is because they're miserable with their own lives and aren't living life to their fullest, or if they already have that ''home'' feeling I speak of. Either way, I won't feel at peace until I have both. Which again, brings me back to waiting... I have been waiting to actually move there, for five going on six years. the fact that the feeling to leave has never left at all only justifies my decisions. I tend to live by a mixture of intuition and logic. When I follow my intuition, I feel my best - just like how I *have* to be honest to feel my best. Even if its not all rose colored glasses - which I cannot seem to sugar coat anyhow. I'm at this point where I'm not wanting approval from anyone anymore. I guess this means I've built some level of trust with myself. It's taken me a long time to get here. Maybe years of getting older is finally bringing that along with it, too.