The Notebook? No. Too lame.

Quite some time ago - it became extremely apparently to me, that I had some stupid ability to gain internet crushes. I know, it sounds elementary right? I noticed it about a year and a half ago,  with one of my friends, whom I had began talking to, in Finland. I didn't really think much of it at the time. Nor did I feel I expressed it too much, and neither did he... Over time, I thought I was recognizing only subtle hints. I thought it was this way because it was what I wanted to see. The conversations continued daily, nightly, it was like I was a moth to a flame. I didn't know what was going on, and I didn't mind it. It just felt good. Years later, going to Finland, and meeting this man, was life-changing. I cannot remember the last time I have been so stunned by another person's presence. I nearly dropped my bottle of wine. It instead, hit the table very hard. I felt like a teenage girl again, I could not express anything at that moment. I remained silent for the most of the cabin trip. It was fucking killing me! I had no idea what to say... But I did realize this was a once in a lifetime opportunity type of moment - that only I had the power to change. I felt like I would strongly regret not saying at all. It turns out, all of those feelings were reciprocated. My mind had never been making up my miniscule possibility, after all.  Life is too damn short to stay in some unhappy relationship that is not serving you well. Like the author Mark Mason says, live by his law of Fuck Yes or No!

"The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” states that when you want to get involved with someone new, in whatever capacity, they must inspire you to say “Fuck Yes” in order for you to proceed with them. The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” also states that when you want to get involved with someone new, in whatever capacity, THEY must respond with a “Fuck Yes” in order for you to proceed with them." - Mark Mason (http://markmanson.net/fuck-yes)

In this case, with this man, it is a FUCK YES!...  Needless to say, I cannot wait for my return to Finland here in a couple of months. Until then, my pathetic addiction to technology to stay in touch will subdue. Distance makes the heart grow fonder.. *hurhurhur*. ..  If we have already made it this far, I believe the wait will only make things stronger. There is still so much about our personalities that are yet to be discovered, that you just... cannot quite get across on a computer. So I'm sure that process will be somewhat rewarding. Either way, it is nice to feel as I can put my trust in someone just as they are, and for all they could be. It feels like  things just keep unwinding, like some huge ball of yarn. I like what I see... Can I get a ''fuck yes" again... ?

Chapter 1 : The Beginning

So.. I will start off by saying.. that I really have not felt like writing anything in a really long time. I normally I wouldn't have the peace, nor time of day to day anything at all, or even hear myself think. That is, before I decided to ditch my last living situation, and move home. Yes, I did.. 27 years old, and back home. However, if you really want to see why the hell I made such a decision, the best bet would be to go back a little bit further. It was 2008, got my ass dumped out of my first serious relationship, began having panic attacks, you name it. It was a horrible time. I then decided to go back to school... At that time, I only had a cosmetology license... I wanted more out of life than just do hair, and worry about superficial things like make up and bobby pins! Not that it's not fun... But I've always felt that maybe life has a bit more lessons to learn than bleaching Barbie's (or my own) hair. Needless to say, this idea dawned on me, when I wanted to say.. ''fuck everything I'm moving to Helsinki Finland... " Before this, I had been having dreams about Finland.. I don't know if was because the amount of HIM or other Finnish bands I had always listened to, but I was THERE. The immense feeling of calm that washed over me was ridiculous and euphoric, I wanted to be there forever. Of course, this was a place of solace, in my dreams, since all I had been experiencing in my waking life was a living hell at the time. To get over this stress, every night, I would close my eyes, and picture I was in the forest, aurora would be dancing in the sky, and snow would be falling. The cool air would kiss my cheeks, and it was beautiful! I made it my mission to make this a reality for myself. At times, I thought I was crazy for wanting to find solace in a completely different country. The more a dream, the more I wanted to know. I started reading culture books, becoming acquainted with basic Finnish, and thinking of ways I could transfer to school, there when I was done with my associates degree, here. Lets face it, an American degree does not have *shit* on a degree from Finland... Which is also why just now, I am deciding to continue to a bachelors degree. I don't get degrees just to feel cool and brag about myself. There is a healthy sense of accomplishment and self-growth that comes along with it, too. I'm not the type of person to go, and suffer with studying some subject I'll hate just because I'll get some nice paying job. NO! It's for personal, pleasure... I like the world when it has a sense of wonder. I like knowing that there are things that I don't know. That just means I'll have a stimulated mind, forever. Well, needless to say, I completed my first round of school in 2011, got distracted with a few years worth of relationships... etc. I In that time period I had began speaking to a few different people, in Finland... Little did I know, they would have such a huge impact on my life. These would be some the best friendships of my life. They have shown me that loyalty, honesty, and long-term friendships do exist, even at a distance. Of course, I knew this ... My best friend from childhood has been living two states away now, we somehow still have a close friendship as well. Getting back to the point, not many people these days are willing to reach out, and simply say ''Hi''.. Everyone is too caught up in themselves to give a shit about anyone. Anyhow, just this year, I finally went to Finland to visit these friends. Words cannot possibly describe the immense amount of peace I felt. It was nice to know, that something that came to me in dreams, years prior during some of the worst periods of my life, was right before me, just as I had pictured it.  On the way there, I could not sleep. I happened to look out the window. None other than aurora was outside, dancing in the sky. While everyone else was nestled in their blankets on the airplane, I stayed up listening to ambient music, and watching the sunrise over Greenland. It was the most, or close to most, spiritual experience I've ever had. Something told me, this was only the beginning to a new chapter of my life...

The Beginning PT II. -- The Dreams...